


Empire of Dirt

by catZY



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, M/M, Multi, Platonic Relationships, Queerplatonic Relationships, Tumblr Prompt, a harem of meritocracy, a king and his concubine, main character is just a very tired soldier who would like to retire to a potato farm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:20:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29124069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catZY/pseuds/catZY
Summary: “First option, you say yes. Second option, you say no and I return you to court, where presumably you get dragged to prison.” Reigr closed his eyes in resignation, of course. His eyes snapped open when Andruche continued. “Third option, you say no and I have someone arrange for you an early retirement. What were you planning to do once you were done with the military?”Regardless, since Reigr had lost the thread of his life the moment this man had stepped into it, he might as well lean into the ridiculousness. “A potato farm. That’s what I would have done after I could no longer fight on the field or teach in the barracks.”“Ah, a very humble dream. But perhaps fitting for a humble man such as yourself. Well, I’d like to think I’m more attractive than a potato farm.” Here, he pouted flirtatiously.Reigr actually looked at Andruche’s face, not his shimmering robes or the aura of artful carelessness only the powerful had. Black curls sprouted from a crown and reflected all the colors of the crown’s gemstones. His skin was soft like clay and the same red brown color after clay had been fired in a kiln. His eyes were the pale, earthy green of olives. Yes, he was more attractive than a potato farm.
Relationships: OMC/OMC, Reigr Ivarsson/Andruche Galterius Onfroi
Comments: 14
Kudos: 22





	Empire of Dirt

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this idea on a tumblr post ages ago from @tonystark-tm and @aethersea. I really loved the idea of fake relationships, political intrigue, and the vaguely crackish nature of a harem of meritocracy. I'm honestly just winging it so the rating may change and new characters will be added all the time! There will be het, mlm, wlw, aroace, and genderqueer characters!

Reigr refused to bow his head for he was not guilty, but he did not care to look up into the smug faces of those who had been waiting for his fuckup for years—instead, he dreamed of the potato farm he’d now never have. Though to be fair, he probably never would have had it in this life. Frankly, it was a miracle he was still alive at this age, let alone hale enough to have four functioning limbs. Ah well, that was why they called them dreams.

The judge, who sat like a fat toad behind his ledger, leaned forward with avarice and said, “Reigr Ivarsson, you are to be stripped of all rank and duties, your name and feats are to be expunged from records, and you will serve out a sentence of one hundred years in—”

The courtroom door was suddenly flung open. Before the judge could do more than sputter in outrage at the impertinent interruption, a caller came in and announced— 

Reigr, who had previously been in a comfortable state of defiant resignation, widened his eyes in shock as the  _ fucking _ Emperor. Of. Half. The. Known. World. Andruche Galterius Onfroi stepped through the doors resplendent in his robes encrusted with diamonds and spun with gold thread.

Reigr, being a common soldier, had never seen the Emperor with his own two eyes. Supposedly, commoners got to gape at the man thrice a year at public festivals, but Reigr had always either been at war, preparing for war, or recovering from war. But even so, even without the announcement, he would have recognized the man since his likeness was everywhere on the Continent.

The judge seemed both pale and flustered in turns as he rose from his seat, wrong-footed, and called out in a thin, reedy voice, much at odds with his earlier sonorous pronouncing tones, “Your Divine Augustness, w-what brings you to our humble, um, our humble court?”

The Emperor waved the judge off with a lazy flick of the wrist while his gaze immediately homed in on Reigr. With a long, thin finger, he pointed at Reigr and said in a breathy voice, “This delicate flower. I must have him before he withers away in the darkness.”

There was an audible noise as everyone in the room swivelled to stare at first Reigr—unkempt beard streaked with grey, ill-fitting burlap prisoner’s clothes, and heavy shackles chaining him to the stand—and then at the Emperor, who for some gods be damned reason was practically swooning at Reigr.

Reigr knew what he himself looked like, so he was able to send the full force of boggling incredulity at the Emperor.  _ Delicate flower, him?? _ He knew power and wealth made people crazy, and the Emperor being the most powerful and wealthiest man on the Continent, it only made sense the crazy multiplied. But even so, to imagine Reigr was an object of covetous desire to a man who could have anything under the sun was not only insane, but impossible. And yet.

  
  
  
  


An hour later saw Reigr out of his prisoner’s garb and in plain, but fine linen clothes. No embroidery, but a dark and rich red dye. His hair had been trimmed and oiled and his beard shaved. He caught a quick glimpse of himself in a mirror and it was almost as if he was back in the barracks on an off day. But no, those days were clearly behind him.

He had also been scrubbed to within an inch of his life, even where the sun didn’t shine, and his asshole probably sparkled brighter than a burnished shield at this point. Reigr was well-used to public baths and medical inspections, but he’d never been so thoroughly examined and judged as he had by the palace maids who’d gotten the unfortunate job of trying to make him look anything remotely approaching what an Emperor might desire. Reigr would have felt sorry for them if he couldn’t still feel the bristle marks on his soul.

At last, the maids finished huffing and shaking their heads over him and he was ushered through a set of grand double doors by a caller.

He walked in, still in too much shock to be much alarmed or awed. A distant part of him noted that there was surprisingly not as much gold gilding as he expected considering whose palace this room was in.

The Emperor was still in his gold and diamond robes. At Reigr’s entrance, he turned away from the large window he had been gazing out of. Reigr wasn’t sure if he was meant to salute, bow, or kneel considering the uncertain status of his rank. He decided to play it safe and kneel considering the only thing he knew at this point was that the man before him was absolutely unpredictable.

Reigr startled when he heard the swish of robes and peeked up to see that the Emperor had sat down on the ground with him!

With a moue of displeasure, the Emperor said, “Now, why’d you have to get down onto the hard ground when there are plenty of softer places to sit?”

Reigr gaped at him.

The Emperor waved a delicate hand. “No matter. Let’s discuss terms and options.”

Reigr didn’t dare ask _ terms and options to what _ ? He knew he was being impossibly rude but nothing in all his twenty five years of military service had ever prepared him for this.

“I see you are a tad confused.”  _ A tad? _ Hardly! “I will speak plainly.”  _ Please! _ “I would like to name you as one of my concubines. What say you to that?”

Reigr wondered if the prison guards had whacked him on the head once too hard and he was now senselessly dreaming in a hole somewhere. Or if he’d actually died in that hole and was now in the most bizarre afterlife ever?

The Emperor gazed at him patiently and despite his clear youthful frivolity, he suddenly looked his age and station—a man almost thirty who held half the known world in the palm of his hand.

Reigr cleared his throat and said, “Your Augustness, I—” and here he faltered, unsure what there even was to say to the Emperor’s question.

The Emperor corrected him gently, “Andruche, please.”

Reigr swallowed hard. “Andruche.” After a painful pause where he could think of nothing to say except a blaringly loud question,  _ WHY ME?? _ , he could no longer hold it in and just blurted it out loud.

The Emp—Andruche’s lips ticked up in amusement as if Reigr were a dog that had done a surprising trick. “Are you questioning my tastes?” The question was dangerous, but his voice was teasing.

Reigr shook his head. First lesson of the barracks: don’t ask questions. To be fair to himself, he was never very good at learning his lessons. “Of course not, Your—um, Andruche.”

Andruche laughed. “I am assuming you’ve never seen my other concubines or you would be less surprised by my choice.”

Reigr wondered what that was supposed to mean. Surely he would have heard something if the Emperor was known for collecting unremarkable middle-aged soldiers for his harem. Or, perhaps not. Despite fighting for the Empire and therefore, the Emperor, Reigr had spared very little thought to the man at the top of it all. His men had things much closer to their lives to gossip about.

Andruche went on. “I like your voice. I like your hands. And I like your competence.”

At this last, Reigr raised his eyebrows. Had Andruche forgotten where he had found Reigr? Had he not realized that Reigr had been in the midst of a trial for his massive bungling of his last maneuver? 

Andruche seemed to sense some of Reigr’s unvoiced thoughts. He smiled wider and flapped a hand, “That was all political nonsense. A common man does not reach your age still capable of fighting on the field without a large dose of competence. And luck, perhaps.”

Since Reigr had thus not far been struck down for his lack of etiquette or decorum, he decided to speak his mind. Afterall, he was still half convinced he was in a hole somewhere and this was all a hallucination. “I am a common man, as you say, and I have been a soldier since I was sixteen—even longer, if you consider that I have been training in the barracks since I was twelve. I know nothing of concubines or how to be one. I don’t think I’d be a very good one, respectfully, sir.”

“Andruche.” The man reminded Reigr again. Andruche leaned back on his palms on the ground and Reigr wondered if he’d be punished for inadvertently making the Emperor touch the ground. “Well, you seem like a bright fellow. Few of my concubines knew how to be one before they became one. I imagine it’s easier than learning to be a soldier.”

Reigr had his doubts, but he held his tongue this time. Or at least, he held his tongue about that. Instead, he asked, “You said terms and options. What are the terms and options here?”

Andruche leaned in with interest now. “First option, you say yes. Second option, you say no and I return you to court, where presumably you get dragged to prison.” Reigr closed his eyes in resignation,  _ of course _ . His eyes snapped open when Andruche continued. “Third option, you say no and I have someone arrange for you an early retirement. What were you planning to do once you were done with the military?”

Was anyone ever just done with the military? Regardless, since Reigr had lost the thread of his life the moment this man had stepped into it, he might as well lean into the ridiculousness. “A potato farm. That’s what I would have done after I could no longer fight on the field or teach in the barracks.”

Andruche’s eyebrows shot up. “Ah, a very humble dream. But perhaps fitting for a humble man such as yourself. Well, I’d like to think I’m more attractive than a potato farm.” Here, he pouted flirtatiously.

Reigr actually looked at Andruche’s face, not his shimmering robes or the aura of artful carelessness only the powerful had. Black curls sprouted from a crown and reflected all the colors of the crown’s gemstones. His skin was soft like clay and the same red brown color after clay had been fired in a kiln. His eyes were the pale, earthy green of olives. Yes, he was more attractive than a potato farm.

Reigr asked, “What are the terms?”

Andruche’s eyes brightened. “Does that mean you’re saying yes?”

Against his better judgment but also knowing the potato farm had never been and was never going to be real, Reigr said yes.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr @cat-zy! Updates on word counts, character creation, and plot threads will be on my tumblr!


End file.
